December 23, 2010
My son West was born at around 10:00pm. He came out completely purple and was humming. As I was sitting there just not feeling the best they handed me him I held him for a second and the told Lucas to take him cause I was so weak I was afraid I would drop him. Lucas was holding him when the nurse said "somethings wrong". She then said she was going to take him to the nursery, Lucas went with her. There was another nurse who told me not to get up without her help because of my epidural. So you can imagine me sitting there for almost 2 hours by myself and no one telling me what was going on with my son (this was one of the most horrifying moments of my entire life). Lucas never came back to the room either. Around midnight I finally felt like my epidural had worn off. I got up out of bed but I had to cart around an IV, because I was so sick they kept me on antibiotics.. I opened the door and the first nurse I saw said "where is my son". She said he is in a private room and she took me to him. To my horror I walked into the room my son hooked up to machines with an IV. I asked what was wrong with him, but we could never get a straight answer from anyone, all we heard was he had water in his lungs. Lucas was getting super tired at this point so he decided to go home and get some rest. I of course couldn't leave his side even though the nurses kept telling me to go get some rest. I tried once but just layed there worrying about him. What an awful night.
December 24, 2010 (Christmas Eve)
Lucas was back at the hospital bright and early that morning. West had not changed he was still the same from what everyone kept telling us. Around 8 he left to get Legz from my friend Emily's house because I wanted to see her so badly. When he got back legz just stayed in our room and we took turns going to see West because Legz wasn't allowed back in the room. Well what happened next I will never forget, The head nurse came into our room and told me she was going to discharge me but that they were keeping West. Now I do remember loosing it and crying saying its Christmas Eve you are sending me home without my BABY. I remember putting my head in my hands and sobbing. She put her arm around me and said I could come back at any time. This did not help, I wanted my baby boy to come home with me. Lucas then decided that he needed a blessing so he called his friend Daryl and they gave him a blessing. The Head nurse waited until around 6 to discharge me. I told Lucas I didn't want to leave that this was horrible he knew but said we had to go. They said to take all the time we needed we left around 7:00pm. Now as we were going home I of course couldn't stop tearing up. But I don't think Legacy understood because as we turn the corner to come home she starts screaming and crying saying "Where the baby"? We had to explain to her that he was sick and they were keeping him to make him better. Well after we got home we decided to run back to the hospital and say goodnight. By then the nurses let Legacy come back and look thru the window she was so happy to see him I can still remember her saying "Goodnight Brother". We left around 9:30 to head home cause it was Christmas eve and we needed to make sure Legacy have a good Christmas.. I did not sleep that night I laid awake wondering how West was. I remember not feeling well at all I felt like I had the flu and I felt this way for another week.
December 25, 2010 (Christmas Day)
We woke up Christmas morning very early and opened all our gifts. Legacy had so much fun I was so happy to see her screaming and smiling. I felt so guilty to smile, knowing what was going on with our son. After we opened the gifts Lucas ran back to the hospital to check on West while me and Legacy got ready for the day. When Lucas got back he drove me to the hospital and I spent most of Christmas by his side. The nurses would always give us the same response when we would ask that he is the same, or no change. This drove me nuts no knowing what was going on. Lucas came back around dinner time and picked me up. We went home had dinner and then went back to the hospital to say goodnight. Because Legacy wasn't allowed back there I stayed in the waiting room with her while Lucas went to say goodnight. When I saw Lucas thinking it was my turn to go see him, I saw it. I saw this look of horror on his face. I knew something was wrong, so automatically I could feel the tears in my eyes. Lucas came and told me that West couldn't breath and he kept turning blue. The pediatrician told him he may not make it. Now to hear that one of your children may not make it. I can't even tell you how bad I wanted to hurt something at that very moment. He said he wanted to talk to both of us together and we could take Legacy back with us. When we got back there he told us that West had not improved and that he was getting worse. Because of where we lived they didn't have the resources to find out what was wrong and why he wasn't getting better. He said they were going to get him stable and unless a miracle happened they were going to Life Flight him to Primary Children's Hospital in the morning. Now looking back we should have told them to do it right then, but I think we were in such shock. My friend Emily took Legacy for the rest of the night, so we could prepare to go to Salt Lake in the morning. Lucas left to take her and I went back to be with West. One of the nurses had pulled me aside and told me that everyone had not been very truthful with us. That from the moment he was born he had been getting worse and worse. So eveytime I asked how he was and they would say "the same" they were lying to us. She had explained it was probably because they didn't want to upset us but she thought it was wrong that we were being lied to. When Lucas came back they wanted to put another IV in West to make him stable so he could make it thru the night. Lucas and I decided it would be best to step out so they could do this. When we were sitting in the waiting room Lucas hung his head and cried, now because Lucas is usually my rock I had no idea of what to do, or what to say. After about 15 minutes we went back to check on West and he was stable. We gave him a kiss and went home to pack and get things in order cause we didn't know what to expect in the morning.
December 26, 2010 (Still in Rock Springs)
We had gotten up bright and early the Dr. said to be back at the hospital by 8:00am. We had only gotten a few hours of sleep but we were all packed. Lucas was going to drive to utah, and I was going to be life flighted to Utah. We were so anxious to get back to see if poor little west was ok, this was the worst night of my entire life to live thru. When we got to the hospital we had told the Dr. we talked and we wanted him life flighted and he agreed with us, he wanted to do the same thing. So Lucas was off driving to Utah to Meet Logan and Sydney who were going to pick her up and take her back to St. George to stay with Lucas family. She was super excited to see Grandma. I gave Legacy a kiss and told her to be drive safe and that I would see her in a couple hours, at this moment I had no idea that this was last time I would see Legacy for 2 weeks, So there I was all alone sitting by West waiting for the life flight crew. When they arrived they said they needed to do alot of work on him to get him ready for the flight. I decided to step out and let them work on him. It took about 30 minutes and when I got back he was in an incubator with a tube down his throat and hooked up to everything you could think of. I asked why he looked so peaceful they said they gave him morphine to knock him out. Now realize I had a baby a few days ago looking back I didn't talk to anyone without bursting into tears. I cried alot and all the time. They then explained that they had to clean out his nose it had so many dried boogers in them that we couldn't breath. This was thanks to the horrible breathing unit that the hospital had him on. I get angry just thinking about how they almost killed my son. So we were off in the ambulance to the airport. Now I am so scared of heights so this little tiny plane was not a good idea. I asked to have a non window seat they all looked at me and chuckled and said that all the seats had windows. So on my flight I closed my eyes and prayed the whole time down to Salt Lake. I prayed for my son and I prayed for my husband and daughter to make it safe to Utah cause it had been snowing the past couple of days. Before I got on the flight I had to sign a bunch of disclosures, they also told me they can't believe that my son was still alive. This just added to my anger against the hospital. When we arrived at the Salt Lake International Airport they had an ambulance waiting for us. So we were off to Primary Children's Hospital.
December 26, 2010 (Primary Children's Hospital)
When we arrived at Primary Children's Hospital I had called Lucas in the Ambulance and he was already on his way to Primary Children's. I asked about Legacy and he said he had already gave her to Logan and Sydney and she was on her way to St. George. Well at this point I lost it, I didn't get to say goodbye to my daughter, I was so upset and cried on the phone. I know Lucas felt bad, but told me that Logan and Sydney drove a long way to get her and take her to St. George. When we arrived me and West were escorted by 3 life flight crew and 2 ambulance crew into the intensive newborn unit. When the door opened to the intensive care unit I saw Lucas standing there with a clip board. This was the best thing I had seen all day long. They told us to wait out in the waiting area while they went and moved West into his crib. While we were waiting we filled out all the paperwork. The nurse who was watching over him came and got us and brought us back to where West was. This was a really hard site to see, he was resting peacefully but had so much stuff he was on. The tube down his throat to help him breath was awful. But they had also put a tube down his nose to feed him this made me so sad. The nurse had pulled us aside and told us they were running tests and taking x-rays. We decided to take a little break and get something to eat while they were running all these test. When we got back they started asking alot of questions like when was the last time her pooped etc.. They said the xray showed that his intestines were enlarged, but they didn't know if it was because something was wrong and that is why he hadn't pooped or if they were just full of air. Because of the horrible breathing unit they had him on in Rock Springs they were thinking that it filled his body full of air. So they said they would wait until the morning and if he hadn't pooped they were going to do some colored ultrasounds to see what was going on. They told us they would have answers in the morning for us. We stayed until shift change which was 6:30 then we decided to go get something to eat, and go and get unpacked.
Our Friend Andy Gordon let us stay at his house while we were in Salt Lake. He was so amazing to us while we were there he did so much for us. We definitely wouldn't have been able to get thru this without him.
December 27th - January 2nd-
This is the week Lucas was still with me I am just going to do highlights of the week.
When we had arrived Monday morning the 27th they had alot of answers for us. Our Son had pooped that morning which was such a blessing. But during this week he was super jaundice so they checked his Billi every morning. Now I didn't know how scary it was but it was super scary. They had a number scale and if it got to 20 then they would start blood transfusions. West got up to a 17 he was under lights from the time her was born and every day this week except Sunday Jan 2nd. On Monday they had also done a Spinal tap on West to check for Meningitis. When the results came back they said it looked like he had it but were not sure because he was put on Antibiotics from the time he was born and that messes with the number. So they told us they had to treat him for it. When we arrived on Tuesday the 28th they had taken the tube out of his throat. This meant he was breathing on his own, this was also the first time we were able to feed him thru his mouth with a bottle since he was born. This was also the first day I got to hold my son since he was born. I remember crying so much because I was so excited they let me hold him. I didn't get to hold him for very long because they wanted him under the lights as much as possible. I really had a hard time giving him back to the nurse. But with such a scary Billi he was eating really well and the more he was under the lights and the more he pooped the better his Billi got.. So everyday we would get up and usually arrive around 9 or 10am at the hospital sit with West until Lunch. We left a few times for lunch but decided it would be easier to eat lunch at the hospital and go for dinner. We would always have dinner at shift change. This was from 6:30 - 7:30 every night. It meant the night nurse was coming and no parents were allowed back. West was in a big room and you could have up to 6 babies in this room and usually there was one nurse to each baby. Some of the nurses I loved, other nurses I felt like we did not see eye to eye. Tuesday night the night nurse had us sign papers she wanted to put a pic line in our little guy. Because he was so new his veins were only holding a regular IV for about a day and then it would go bad. A Pic line was scary to put in but then we knew he would not have to be poked again. A pic line is a deep IV that almost reached his heart, this was for his Antibiotics. I was always asking when they thought we could go home, the dates always changed on us. But after a few days I realized that we would be here for a couple weeks. I remember crying so bad thinking how the hell was I going to go 2 weeks without legz. I went crazy, I guess because of all the stress and everything every kept on me about depression, and making sure I was ok. This made me more upset of course I was depressed and sad. Everynight that we left the hospital I would cry and then we get home and I would cry myself to sleep. There was nothing I could do so I cried. On December 31st I remember it snowing really hard up in salt lake. I remember thinking that Christmas was ruined now new years eve, what a way to start the new year. I would always call during the night because I had to get up and pump. I would also call in the mornings to check on him before we left Andy's house. On Sunday January 2nd this was an exciting day for us. When we arrived West was finally taken off the lights, I remember clapping and jumping up and down when we got there. I also remember this is the first time they put clothes on him. This was the first time since he was born he was dressed this was a memorable moment for us. He loved it he loved being warm and now I could hold him all I wanted. Lucas was leaving today to go back to Rock Springs he had run out of days off and had to go back to work. He got to hold him most of the day. This was also the day they put him in a regular crib. Now in this unit a clear crib meant the baby was not doing very well and a regular bar crib meant he was getting better. I can't tell you how excited we were that our baby boy was getting better. But I knew once the day was coming to an end Lucas was leaving, I was so scared I didn't even know how I was going to get thru the next week without him. I knew I was going to be in Salt Lake all by myself. Around 5:30 Sunday night Lucas left and headed back to Rock Springs, now the worst week of my life had just begun.
January 3rd, 2011 - The day from Hell
Our friend Andy had a Truck he was letting me borrow to drive around. I decided to save gas and just drive to the closest trax station on 9000 South. Trax took you to the Gallivan Plaza and you took the university trax straight to Primarys. We figured it was cheaper than paying for gas. Well I felt ok this morning I got in Andy's truck and started to drive when I thought gosh its so hard to step on the brakes. So I drove really slow because slowing down was really hard. Well I love Utah drivers all I got was flipped off, so being emotional I totally cried. I found out later that day that his power brakes were not working, and this is why it was so hard to step on the brakes. But finally I got to the trax parked the truck jumped on I was on my way. I never noticed but it smelled like vomit and boos. Well when you go to switch trains you have to sit in the freezing cold for about 15 or 20 minutes this is where all the homeless people hit you up for money. My day was rocking so far, but I got on the 2nd trax and I was on my way I was almost there. This ride took over an hour and half to get to primary's but I got there. I was so excited I was practically running to see West. However when turned the corner and saw him I instantly got tears in my eyes. He was back in a clear crib naked and under the lights again. I completely lost it I could barley talk to the nurse. The nurse had explained his Billi jumped up to 15 again so he was back under them. Well because they had dressed him and he knew he didn't like being naked anymore, he cried and cried and cried. They wouldn't let me hold him cause he had to be under the lights. So all I did was cry and cry and cry I could not take today I remember thinking if I survive today it will be a miracle. Well he finally cried himself to sleep the nurse told me she didn't want me talking to him or touching him. She said I was just upsetting him cause he wants me to pick him up. So I got to sit there the rest of the day in silence. I remember dinner and sitting in the cafeteria I had gotten fries and I cried so much that when I looked down they were all wet. This was the only good thing about this hospital everyone was crying so no one would talk to you. I remember not being able to talk to Legz or Lucas, because I was crying so much. BecauseI was scared I left at 8:00 to head home. I told the night nurse I would call her all night and I did. She let me give him a kiss good night she was much nicer than the day nurse.
Going home on Scary Trax...
I wasn't sure if I was going to add this part but I will. If you have ever been on Trax they are so scary in the day but at night they are terrifying. But as I was riding I noticed there was this creepy guy staring at me the whole time this made me very uncomfortable. When I had arrived at my station I gathered my stuff and got up and noticed this creepy guy grabbing his stuff and getting off as well. I thought great so as I was leaving I noticed that a Man and his little girl also got off. As I was walking he was following me because it was now 9:30 where I had parked all the way at the end of the parking lot my Truck was the only one there and there was no where else to go because it was fenced in. I kept looking back and he would stop and pretend he was looking at his shoes. I was so freaked out at this point so I made a little U turn and ran toward the Man with his daughter. He was getting in his truck and I said I am scared I think that guy is following me. So he told me to get in and he would drive me to my truck and wait until I left. He was my angel that night if he hadn't been there I don't know what would have happened. When he was driving me toward my truck (it was at the end of the parking lot) he said he thought the guy was following me cause he didn't know where he was going. This creepy guy was waiting close to my truck, and there wasn't an exit where I had parked and no other cars. He was also watching us the whole time I thanked the guy and as I got in Andy's truck. I cried all the home thinking what would I have done, I was shaking so badly. This was one of the scariest days of my life, Ladies DO NOT ride tax by yourself it is so scary.
When I arrived at Andy's he was actually home he never stayed home. He had called me during the day to check on me and I cried so he said he decided to stay home. He was so nice I told him what happened and he was so mad. We watched Tommy boy it was good it got my mind off of it.
Tuesday January 4th 2011
I didn't go to the hospital this day I was no being able to handle life today. I remember calling Lucas early asking him if I should stay home I was crying saying "Will West Understand I won't see him today"? Remember I had just had a baby I didn't even get a chance to recover. I remember crying all day long.
Wed. January 5th 2011
Andy Truck wasn't starting today so I had texted him and he had a friend of his come and get me. Her name was Shellie also. She drove me to the trax station it was so nice of her. When I had arrived at the hospital West was doing better they said his Billi came down but not enough so he was still under the lights. I remember I didn't leave his side until dinner. I remember the nurse letting me hold him every few hours. She was so nice she said he needed a break from the lights. I was also nursing him and I loved it he was such a sweet little baby. I was too scared to take trax at night so my friend Kylie came and picked me up and took me to dinner (we went to the Olive Garden) and drove me home. She was a life saver and I so enjoyed hanging out with her tonight she made me smile.
Thursday January 6th, 2011
Today Lucas had arranged for his Old boss Nathan Webber to pick me up and drive me to the Hospital. This was so nice I never ever had to ride Trax again. Today I was so excited because Lucas was coming to Salt Lake after work he was going to be here around 7:30 right after shift change. I remember getting to the hospital and being so happy cause Lucas would be there soon. West was doing better again his Billi was down again. I just sat by him all day until shift change. I remember sitting in the cafeteria waiting for Lucas to walk thru the doors. I remember seeing him and thinking I don't ever want him to leave me again. After he got there we went up to see West we stayed really late tonight but I was feeling so much better because I got to leave with Lucas this was the first night I didn't cry myself to sleep.
Friday January 7th, 2011
I woke up and so excited because Grandma and Grandpa where bringing Legacy to us. I can't tell you how excited I was to see her. I kept telling Lucas all day that it felt like Christmas to me. I hadn't seen her since the morning of December 26th, 2010. We had gotten there and West was not on the lights anymore today was already turning out to be an awesome day. They had also moved him back into a regular crib, which made me so happy. We spent every second by him until Grandpa called and said they where in Salt Lake. I couldn't wait we went to get her and as we pulled up to the hotel I saw her in the window. I remember getting tears in my eyes I was so happy. I tell you when I got to hug her it was one of the best things that had happened in the last few weeks. I missed her so much, this was an awesome day already. Although for weeks after we got home she wouldn't leave my side. She wouldn't go with anyone it took awhile for her to be back to normal. As it took all of us to be back to normal. We all went back to the hospital because Grandma wanted to see West she was so excited. She got to feed him and hold him for a few hours. I do remember his crib being by a window and she did not like this at all. But we stayed until dinner and went to a fish place. I remember smiling and even laughed for the first time in weeks. I remember being super happy today.
Jan 8 - 11 (Coming)
